My sisters.

...3 years later. Still sisters, only stronger.

Still incredibly thankful for these girls. A tremendous amount has changed in the past 3 years, some good and some bad. Throughout it all, these girls have been faithful friends. I prayed for so many years to have a "group" of girls that would be my support, and that I would actually like hanging out with! God provided, like He always does, in His own timing. Here's our update:

1} Knoxvillian, Momma Rach. 














TJ and I decided we wanted to make a lot of changes all at once, so we had a baby and moved back to Knoxville all within 2 months! 😄  November 30 was a life-changing day as it was the day we finally met Tripp. (Michael Anthony Earl III). He is so fun and I'm slightly [extremely] obsessed with him. Around this same time, God called us back to Knoxville to serve at Berean Bible Church. It was and still is difficult being away from our Easthaven/Brookhaven family, but we are so grateful for the community, old and new, that we have here in Knoxville. I am so blessed that I get to stay home and be Momma to my sweet boy, but man I miss teaching those crazy 8th graders some days. 😜


2} Speech Pathologist Emily. 

This brave soul finally graduated from UT, and after a lot of prayer and tears, moved to Birmingham, Alabama to start a temporary job at UAB Hospital. What a babe! It was hard, scary, exciting and sad, but she did it. Her dreams have been accomplished and she is now a thriving resident of Birmingham. She is currently searching for the perfect place to have a permanent speech pathologist position and we are all hoping its Knoxville, but we will be happy wherever God places her. 😏 Also, she's single, soooooo if you know any good Christian men, let me know!

3} Master, Momma Cay.

She went and had herself a little babe! November 3, 2016 changed the Meades' life as Meredith James made her appearance.  As Calyn is navigating motherhood, she is also finishing her Masters. Now, that's a supermom! She and Nick are renovating a new house they just bought where they are learning a lot of patience. 😊  Cay is so bold, honest, and vulnerable and it is such a joy to figure out 'mommying' with her. 

4} [Almost] Survivor Han.














The bravest, most courageous of us all. Cancer struck her body and led her to many rounds of chemo, surgeries, sickness, exhaustion, but it also led her to the One who could fully heal her. Praise God that Hannah is almost 100% healed! She inspires the rest of us daily with her perseverance and determination, even on days when it is hard. She has started selling Noonday and is still faithfully serving at NorthStar Church. Her passion for glorifying Jesus radiates from her. Once you beat cancer's butt, you better believe we are all going to the beach to celebrate. 🎉


5} Laura, the one who can do it all.













Noonday ambassador, Lularoe consultant, ski instructor, mom to 4 girls, pastor's wife, new resident of New Hampshire and probably a lot more. 😮  The Smiths have moved to NH where Brian is pastoring a church. As much as we miss them, we know God is working through them and it makes our reunions so much sweeter. Laura still leads us, even miles away. Thanks for your wisdom, "Mommy." 😉

A Tale of 4 Sisters

It is said all the time, but Jesus really does have perfect timing.

Less than a year ago, in August 2013, He brought together 5 completely different women and basically said "Let Me rock your world."

1. Emily McLain. She is the epitome of loving and caring. She always puts other before herself. Her dream of becoming a speech pathologist is starting to fall into place as she is going to the University of Tennessee for graduate school in the fall. Men, she is single so you need to snatch her while you can! And she desires to be more like Jesus.

2. Calyn Meade. She can put a smile on your face without even trying. She lights up a room with her laughter and stories. When she isn't working on school, she is learning how to love her new husband well. She has a heart for missions, dance and sharing the Gospel to anyone and everyone. And she desires to be more like Jesus. 

3. Hannah Jackson. Hannah is the most compassionate person I have ever met. She is so real and vulnerable and her testimony is a perfect picture of redemption. She gets to study abroad this summer in SPAIN. Children, missions and Spanish are her passions and what makes her who she is. And she desires to be more like Jesus. 

4. Laura Smith. Our fearless leader and mother of 4. What a beautiful soul. She always has a smile on her face and she is always lookin' good. She is a woman that I aspire to be. Her love of Jesus and her love of life freely flow from her heart. She took the 4 of us under her wing and simply wanted to 'do life together.' And she desires to be more like Jesus. 

And then there is me. Newlywed. New teacher. Just became a Mississippi Resident and youth pastor's wife! (woah). Just trying to finish my Masters and get a job in a high school. I just desire to be more like Jesus. 

5 completely different women...with ultimately one goal in common. 

We all came into the group brining something different and Jesus crafted that to make something beautiful. 

We shared our  stories, 

                         fears, 

                         joys, 

                         doubts, 

                         excitements, 

                         failures, 

                         successes, 

                         feelings, 

                         junk, 

                         passions, 

                  and our lives...

And we formed a bond that can not be broken. We slowly became sisters. We are there to pick each other up if we fall and laugh at each other when we trip. We cry when it hurts and rejoice when we are overwhelmed with His faithfulness. 

I can't thank Jesus enough for His perfect timing and for brining this group together, just when we all needed it. I know we will continue to encourage, pray for and love each other no matter the distance. 

Thankful

In about 2 weeks, this season will begin to close. I will be walking across the University of Tennessee graduation stage, grabbing my diploma and then I will prance into TJ's truck and we will head to Mississppi...home...where we will be for the rest of December and most of January until we head back to Knoxville to get hitched. So in 2 weeks, this long-distance crap is over. As I am sitting in Panera, I can very clearly remember back to that fateful day in April when TJ and I went to Panera for lunch. We sat down and discussed our plans....

1. He was going to interview with a baptist church in Mississippi.
2. I was going to find out if I could graduate in December.
3. We were going to call our parents and tell them that we were going to get married in December.
4. We were going to communicate with the pastors in Mississippi to try to get a weekend where we could come visit.

And so began the journey. Now here we are. December. And the Lord has been faithful. I am graduating. TJ and I are getting married in 2 months. And we have the honor to serve in Brookhaven, MS.

It has been miserably incredible. Beautifully awful. Simply complicated. Excitingly scary.

I am almost done. During this process, there were times where I didn't think I would make it.
I couldn't do long distance.
I couldn't take the pressure of finishing school.
I was lonely.
I felt lost.
I was terrified.
I didn't feel good enough.
I wanted to run.
I felt purposeless.
I cried more often than any person ever should.
I was angry.
I caused so many arguments with my future groom.
I let my past define my future.
I made excuses.

I made myself god.

I didn't think I could do it.

And yet here I sit, almost done.

Looking back I can see vaguely see how some of these crazy thoughts will make a better Rachel Earl. How I was being sanctified when I thought God had forgotten about me.

I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.
I can't do it, but He can.
I am not good enough, but He is.
God is always with me.
It's ok to be scared, as long as fear does not cripple me.
TJ will not always make me happy, and that's ok.
Silence is good.
(I am still not good at showing grace)
I think that the world revolved around me. Newsflash Rach...

Jesus. Forgive me for doubting you. Forgive me for living all these months not trusting you and living for myself everyday. I have missed out on opportunities because I have been so focused on me. God, I am sorry. I need your forgiveness please. I am dirt and do not deserve anything that you give me. I don't deserve to be married to TJ. I don't deserve to have a house. I don't deserve to get to move to Mississippi and serve in that incredible church. I don't deserve the friends that I have, here and there, and the love that they show me. I don't deserve for you to die on a cross for me to save me, Father. But thank you. Thank you for your grace and for giving me these things that I do not deserve. I pray that I would do everything for your glory because you deserve it. You deserve all of me, not just part of me. You are so worthy and great and mighty and I am thankful. Help me to look past myself. To get rid of me Lord and look to you. God be the Lord of my life. I love you Father. Forgive me for falling short. Thank you for your constant love. Thank you that you never change. Thank you for being faithful when I am not.

The Roarin' Twenties

3 years ago, during our freshman year, fresh out of high school, my best friend Emily McLain and I sat in her dorm room fantasizing about the rest of our college years, and especially our TWENTIES!! I mean, who wouldn't want to be in those great early twenties? Those are the years you dream about! The ones where all the fun happens! Those are supposed to be the 'best years of your life'!!!  Right?! 

18 and ready to conquer the world!

Well here we are! Both young twenty-one year olds (and still best friends, thank goodness)...we made it to the great years and we are slowly beginning to realize that they are not so great. Now, don't get me wrong, there have been great, great things that have happened in our twenties, (including TJ my fiancé Earl) but I think we had this idea that life was going to be easy, with no more worries or struggles once we made it to our twenties, or our later college years. By that point, you can relax..you have it all figured out...it's all downhill from there...yeah?
Well newsflash to us, life will always be hard.
And we will probably never know what we are doing.

Freshman year, we thought that we would have it all figured out by now. We would know how to how to navigate through tough friendships, how to embrace whatever is handed to us, how to give really great advice all the time, how to lead and love well. We thought we would have all the answers to everyone's questions, we would be joyful in every circumstance, good or bad, we would always forgive easily. We would know how to do all of these things perfectly, with so much grace and somehow it would all happen instantly. Senior year, we would just wake up and have all of these things down to a science!!

Well, Rachel and Emily, and every twenty something year old, here is what we didn't realize, or didn't want to accept...

life is all about the process... 

...we just get to enjoy the ride. We will never know what we are doing, but praise Jesus that He does! I am entering in to a completely new season of wife, pastor's wife, teacher, and Mississippi resident. I am so extremely excited but I have also worried myself to the point of tears, wondering if I am enough? How can I make all these changes and start all of these foreign roles as a twenty-one year old? I don't know what I am doing, I still feel like a goofball that loves to watch Disney movies, dance and color. Thankfully, I don't have to 'know what to do.' What does that even mean?

I know that Jesus loves me and I know how to be Rachel and that my friends, is enough.

Our entire life, we get to be apart of this beautiful process of becoming more like Jesus. It does not happen over night. Learning how to become a good wife, doctor, teacher, speech pathologist (in Emily's case), mom, Sunday school teacher, or _______ does not happen over night. We get to learn these things in this incredible process.

So for all you Emilys and Rachels out there, your twenties probably won't be easy. Navigating through this life thing is weird, especially at this time in life. I totally know that there is a lot of pressure, there are hard decisions, there are sad goodbyes and happy hellos. There is this odd transition between being a girl and becoming a woman.

But there is good news! You don't have to figure it out. Simply love God and He will show you what to do and how to do it well. I promise that He will teach you, and I also promise that it will not happen over night. So accept the process and more importantly, enjoy the process, even if it's hard. Just be you.

And to Emily McLain, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it, we are not the same girls that we were freshman year. I have loved watching you grow over these years and I love watching you become such a strong follower of Jesus...what a blessing and encouragement you are to me. I am excited for the years to come, to look back on these difficult twenties and thank God for the process.

Oh. But we are still goofy...I hope that never changes.

(This is Hannah pictured with us, she is also a twenty-one year old that really doesn't get this whole 'life' thing yet...she is just loving Jesus along with us knowing that He will figure it out) 

The Beautiful In-Between

In-between stages are a guarantee in this life. 

Middle school.

The summer after you graduate high school, before you go to college. 

The few months after you decide to move but before you actually do. 

Engagement.

Senior year of college, when you have to decide what is next. 

Pregnancy. 

As a matter of fact, our entire life is an in-between stage. As Christians, we know we are not made for this world and we have an incredible desire to be home with Jesus. 

The end result of in-between stages is great but getting there can be challenging, exhausting and annoying. You're stuck. You have a great desire to be in the next stage and experience all that it has to offer, good and bad. But you're not there yet. You are in-between. What do you do? 

Abide. 

Remain. Dwell. Stay. 

Abide in Jesus. Remain in his love, John 15:9. 

"But I'm scared because..." Abide.

"But I don't know what that looks like..." Abide.

"But I just want to be there..." Abide.

"But what if..." Abide.

"But I can do it myself..." No, abide.

"But...!" Daughter, abide in my love. Remain in me. 

We want to figure things out on our own. We want to have a plan. We want to know exactly what to do and when to do it. So our minds run wild and we try to do it all ourselves. (At least I do). "I can figure this out, I'll bring peace to myself because God, thanks, but no thanks." No one ever admits that this happens, myself included. But deep down in my core, that is what my heart is screaming. "Lord I trust you, but in this in-between stage, I just want to figure it out by my big, bad self because it doesn't feel like you are really helping me at all." 

Abiding in Jesus takes faith and trust....which is my greatest issue in life, just ask any of my closest friends. 

But Jesus wants us to remain in him. He figures things out. He has a plan. He knows exactly what to do and when to do it. Our job is simply to abide in his unfailing love. Rest in his presence. Pursue Him instead of the things of this world. 

Yes, in-between stages are annoying, and difficult. They pull you in a million different directions. 

Abide, dwell, stay in Jesus. 

John 15:9-11

I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 

Matthew 22:37-38

Jesus replied,"You must love The Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." 

The 2nd Greatest Love Story

Boy meets girl and he does not acknowledge her.

"I just wanted to introduce myself. I know you are the new intern so we will probably be around each other a lot this year. It's nice to meet you"
He hears her say that but barely acknowledges. He just continues to do his laundry without paying much attention to her.

As the semester starts, and after their somewhat rocky introduction, they become friends, good friends. They hang out all the time and continue to grow closer and closer. Boy beings to fall for the girl...pretty early on in their friendship. However, girl is just interested in a friendship for the majority of the semester. Eventually, after a lot of hanging out and getting to know each other, girl starts to develop feelings. Boy and Girl spontaneously plan a trip to New York with 3 other friends, and that is where the story really begins.

New York was a great trip for this boy and girl. They learned how to travel with each other, handle each other in stressful situations, have fun with each other and they also had a chance to simply learn more about each other's likes and dislikes. This trip caused Boy to fall more in love with Girl. It also confirmed Girl's feelings for Boy.

After New York, this couple of friends had a DTR (Determine the relationship), where he finally confessed his feelings for her. She had a lot to work through. She was scared of a relationship, she didn't know what that really looked like, she was concerned with making the 'right choice,' whatever that meant. He was patient. He was confident that they were going to be ok...she was going to be his. This confidence helped him when Girl was confused or doubtful.

Finally, she admitted her feelings. She was ready to take the risk of a relationship. And they went on their first date. Dinner, ice-skating, overlooking Knoxville and a movie. When they kissed later that night, Girl thought to herself, "I am never going to have another first kiss again."

From that night on, TJ and Rachel knew they were going to be together. There is no one in this world that is better for me than TJ. He is my best friend. I look forward to seeing him and spending time with him. He makes me laugh. He loves the Lord with his entire being. No one has cared for me like he has. He has a heart of gold and a heart for people. He is selfless, caring, patient when I am not. He knows what to say when I need to hear it. He likes to have fun. He is not afraid to be himself. He is who he is and he likes it that way. My heart melts thinking about spending the rest of my life with him. He is the love of my life. Forever and ever.

...aaaannnnd it all started in a laundry room, where he did not acknowledge her.

Psalm 100

I'm watching the NCAA tournament, specifically the Ohio State game. Ohio State is up 43-33, if you are wondering. My mind and my heart is kinda half watching the game because my better half is in New York on a mission trip. At halftime, before ESPN cut to commercial, they showed the OSU cheerleaders, which is normal...ESPN always likes to show the cheerleaders. Well this one simple shot/moment on television made my brain start turning. 

That could have been me! 3 years ago I was thinking about going to Ohio State. Cheering at Ohio State. Or maybe going to Louisville and cheering there. Western Kentucky was even an option. Tennessee? Never. I never wanted to be there, at that awful school, with the terrible colors and their stupid fight song. Dad, being dad, thought it would be a good idea to apply for an in-state school...just in case...even though I was determined that I was NOT going to Tennessee.

But God had different plans. On a tour of The University of Tennessee, that I forcefully went on, I suddenly knew that I was going to be in Knoxville at least for the next 4 years. My dream was always to cheer in college, but after realizing that I was going to UT, I knew that it wouldn't matter if I cheered or not. If I made the Tennessee team, great. If not, (which is clearly what happened) then I knew God had other plans for me specifically at UT. I gave up my dream to cheer in college because I knew that Tennessee was where I was supposed to be, regardless of cheerleading. 

With all of that being said, I can not believe where I am after just 3 short years. God has been so faithful and I am so amazed. I have gained the greatest friends I could have ever imagined. They know my heart, my struggles, my dreams and they love my unconditionally. I have gotten the opportunity to work with the coolest high school girls around. They have taught me more than they will ever know. I met the love of my life. I have been praying for him and hoping to meet him for years, and I finally did! He brings so much joy to my life. He is my best friend and my partner in everything. 

I am so thankful for all the blessings that surround me everyday. I can't believe that it has been 3 years since I made the decision to come to UT. God is so faithful and his love endures forever. Be thankful for what you have and who you have today. Remember your blessings and don't let them be overshadowed by hurt or the past or circumstances. 

"Wherever you are, be all there..." 

Shout to the Lord, all the earth! 

Worship the Lord with gladness. 

Come before him, singing with joy

Acknowledge that the Lord is God! 

He made us, and we are his. 

We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. 

Enter his gates with thanksgiving;

go into his courts with praise. 

Give thanks to him and praise his name. 

For the Lord is good. 

His unfailing love continues forever

and his faithfulness continues to each generation. 

Psalm 100

2012, you've been good to me

Since this year is almost over, it would probably be fitting to write a "Best Memories from 2012," "Regrets from 2012," or "Goals for 2013" list, right? I have always liked to be different and I try to stay away from cliches so instead of doing one of those lists, I chose something different. As I was making the long 8 hour drive back to TN, I looked back on what made my year so great and I realized it was the unexpected moments, relationships, friendships, and dreams that made 2012 such a fantastic year. Drumroll please......

The Top 5 Most Unexpected Things 

Sounds simple and slightly dumb, but here we go...

1. Katie Wood.  

Last January, I went to the Passion conference with Northstar Church and it was a definitely a defining moment for 2012. On the bus ride to Atlanta, I happened to sit behind the one and only, Katie Wood. My first impression was that she asked a lot of questions and had lived in a million different places.  We became fast friends and later that semester, she ended up leading a group of freshman girls with me. She encouraged me, taught me how to love well and while I worked at camp (more of that later) she poured into me more than anyone else. She has been such a blessing to me and even though we don't see each other or talk as much, when we do, I am always thankful for that bus ride to Passion. 

2. The Circle of Caleb 

It sounds weird and it probably is. Caleb Thurman was a unexpected blessing this year. We went from being great friends to dating and finally back to great friends. Yeah, it's weird. It doesn't happen, ever, but we somehow made it work. I never would have thought that I would have dated someone for months, only for it to end with us being even closer as friends. However, I am extremely thankful for it. Thank you Caleb for adding to my unexpected adventures this year...here's to many more in our friendship. 

3. Krazy, Kanakuk Kamp

I wanted to work there so badly. Then, one day I got the phone call: We would like to offer you the job. The adventure began. 6 weeks in Lampe, MO, where I knew a total of ZERO people. Kanakuk Kamps...a place filled with joy and Jesus, laughter and love. I have never grown so much in my faith, or as a person. I also gained a close friend in my co-counselor, Diana Barns. I have never trusted anyone as fast as I trusted her. I miss her. I miss singing with her while our girls were getting ready, and causing everyone in our cabin to think we were crazy. Even though we don't see each other or talk everyday like we did this summer, the time I do get to talk to her is such a blessing. I never thought that in the small town of Lampe, MO, so many memories would be made, so much joy would be found and such great friendships would be built. 

4. Unique, New York 

Rach: "Someday, I really want to go to New York during Christmas time"

TJ: "Why don't we?"

And that began the adventure of Christmas break 2012. A trip to New York. I never in a million, billion, trillion years would have believed you if you told me that this was going to happen, especially with the people I went with. I met TJ Earl for the first time in August, and apparently, according to him, I did not make a very memorable first impression. I also first met Lizzy in August. Alex and Kristi also joined this adventure. These 4 folks and I drove to New York and spent 2 days taking in the sights. I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. Our friendships grew tremendously. We laughed until we cried (literally...Lizzy). There was not a single argument. We built a stronger trust with each other. I didn't expect such a spontaneous trip to make such an impact on me, but I am thankful it did. 

Last, but most definitely not least...

5. Grace

Rach: "Spice, I really want to learn about grace this year."

Sarah: "Me too! Let's do it"

We had this conversation a year ago almost exactly. Last year at Passion, on the first night in Atlanta, outside our hotel room, this is what we talked about. Grace. My life has never been the same. Sarah and I went though so much last spring, (and this summer, and this fall, and probably still now) struggling through our mess, climbing out of pits, accepting grace, realizing the depth of grace, learning to show grace to other, as well as to ourselves. I didn't think that the one comment I made to Sarah could literally change the course of my life. I started off this year simply wanting to learn about grace, and I am ending it by trying to live in it.

December 2011, I remember sitting with Sarah, discussing our goals or dreams for 2012. I could probably find that list if I really wanted to. I know that nothing on that list was on this 'unexpected' list. This list of unexpected things far exceeds anything I could have imagined. I am apart of such a great story, written by the most beautiful storyteller, and I want nothing more than to rest in His presence and enjoy where I am, knowing that whatever is happening, expected or unexpected, is just another chapter, another page, of the great story. 

Most of the time, our greatest joy comes from the unexpected.

Wherever you are, be all there. 

Jesus, I can't wait to see what 2013 has is store.

Christmas from the Apelts

This Christmas, I had the privilege of writing the Apelt family Christmas letter. I thought I would share.


Go Army, beat Navy, Bow-wow Bulldogs, Go Vols, O-H-I-O, and Merry Christmas.

We rang in 2012 the right way by surrounding ourselves with friends and family, laughter and good food and from there, 2012 only got better.

One of the first major events of the year was Jacob Benjamin Apelt's high school graduation. My little brother is growing up. He now attends Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama where he pretty much runs the school. He is a part of the freshman forum (a student government association for freshman), the freshman representative council, multiple intramural teams and he helped re-start the "Red Sea," which is the rowdy section during football games. One of his biggest dreams is to become Moses, the 'head rowdy' who happens to be in charge of parting the rowdy section..."The Red Sea." He is a Business Management major currently still indecisive on what exactly he wants to do.

Dad (Doug) normally is a man of routine, but that definitely was not the case this year. He has started a new job and the Apelts will be moving in the next month or so to Memphis! (The Apelts moving...big surprise, I know.) He went from making people hot and cold working at Trane to taking people up and down, making elevators at ThyssenKrupp, in Memphis, running operations for the United States. He has been there only a few weeks, but he thoroughly enjoys it and excited about the upcoming move. And as always, Dad loves the months of August through December, cheering on his favorite football teams or really anyone that plays Michigan.

Mom (Lisa) is highly anticipating the move as well but in the meantime, she continues to do a excellent job at caring for all of us, making sure that we are happy and healthy. She did not return to teaching preschool since she was unsure when we would be officially moving. She has made a graceful transition from bustling household to empty nester with Dad. They are adjusting and making many trips to Birmingham and Knoxville to visit Jake and I.

As for myself, I am now a junior at the University of Tennessee. (Where did the time go?)  I am an English major, minoring in Secondary Education. My dream: to be a Freshman English teacher. I have been traveling a lot this semester going to football games or just for fun; Atlanta, Athens, GA, Nashville, Paris, TN and the most recent, New York City for a Christmas weekend away with friends. I am still leading a group of sophomore girls at my church in Knoxville and they bring so much joy to my life. Overall, I am still enjoying the college life.

As I am writing this letter, an impromptu trip to visit Mickey Mouse in Disney is being planned.  We are leaving on December 21 and will be returning on Christmas Eve. It will definitely end up being a highlight of this year.

We want to wish you all a very merry Christmas, reminding you to remember the gift of love that God sent down in His son Jesus on Christmas Day. Keep Him in your hearts during this season and everyday this year.

With grace and love,

Rachel

...enough is enough...

Enough: Adv.: as much as necessary; Adj.: sufficient for the purpose; Noun: an adequate quantity

"You are a solid B+ writer, which is great! I gave you an 88, I am a tough grader...be proud of that! It is extremely difficult to become an A writer. You are good! You just need that edge, that little 'umph.'" 

You are good, just not good enough. 

When talking to some friends last night they told me that the only thing men want to hear is "Good job." I then began thinking about the only thing that women want to hear.  They came up with a lot of good answers:

I love you.

You are beautiful. 

May I help you? (This one was a little weird to me, but whatever)

You mean the world to me. 

I cherish you.

....

I told them that even though these are great things to say to women, in my mind, the only thing they really want to hear is: 

You are enough. 

A lot of us work so hard to be enough...

Smart enough. 

Skinny enough. 

Athletic enough. 

Intentional enough. 

Funny enough. 

Kind enough. 

Graceful enough. 

Pretty enough. 

Good enough. 

...when we need to remember that in God's eyes,  we are enough. 

Stop working so hard. Remember Jesus. Grace. Love. 

You are enough. 

#TFLMA

Sarah Spiceland and I have grown so much closer in the past year. Yeah we fight, argue, get frustrated, forget grace, don't love each other well, misinterpret, and occasionally yell, but we work through it. Through all of this mess, one of our favorite phrases has become "Thanks for loving me anyways." ( I realize that we sound like we are dating right now...get over it.)

I get a text from her the other day that said #TFLMA. (Because it's cool to hashtag everything.) Thanks for loving me anyways. She meant it in a joking matter, kinda sarcastically, because we were talking about our ridiculously obnoxious friendship but I, for some reason, literally had tears well up in my eyes.

Thanks.

For.

Loving.

Me.

Anyways.

That simple statement holds a lot of depth. We have said it to each other for a long time but for some reason, that ordinary day, it gave me a new perspective.

When I say that to Sarah, I am saying:

I am messed up.
I am not a perfect friend.
I sometimes hurt you.
I can often take you for granted.
I forget to love you well.
I don't always show you grace.
I get frustrated when I shouldn't.
I say things that I want to take back.

On and on and on...

But through all of that, Thank you, Sarah Spiceland, for loving me anyways. Because of all of that. Regardless of my mess. Thank you for being there and encouraging me.

When she said "Thanks for loving me anyways," I immediately thought, OF COURSE. Yes. I am going to love you. With all of your messiness, craziness, whatever. I will love you anyways.

Can't help but think about how the Lord looks down on us and thinks the same thing. "Yes, I will love you even though you are messed up. I love you now, and I will love you always."

Grace. So incredibly thankful for it. 

Father, thanks for loving me anyways.

Remember that.

#TFLMA

Changing Perspective

Today, on this beautiful day, I went running with a friend. We decided to run on some greenways that we don't normally run on to be able to see the leaves and all the fall colors. As I'm running, listening to the new T-Swift CD (GO BUY IT, it is so good), I notice that I am down looking at my feet, anticipating my next step, when the whole purpose of the run was to see all the different colors! All God's beauty. Why am I looking at my feet? I don't know.

So I look up.

I look at everything around me. The leaves, the river, the cars driving by. I admire God's creation, thanking him for these little blessings, I stand in awe of everything he has done for me and everything he has given me even though I do not deserve any of it.

After enjoying the scenery for maybe a minute, I look back down at my feet. I didn't even realize that I did it. It was habit. I am so used to looking at my feet, watching my next step, wondering if I am going to have enough energy and breath to even take that next step.

How many times do we do that in our lives? We look at our feet, at our current circumstances, forgetting that there is a bigger picture.

I know that I tend to forget a lot that I am apart of a greater story. Each experience I go through, good or bad, right or wrong, and every person I am friends with, or will become friends with, or briefly encounter, it is all apart of the bigger story.

I need to look up more often. I need to stop being concerned and consumed with my current circumstances and look up to enjoy the presence of the Lord, the bigger picture.

I asked my friend toward the end of our run if he looks at his feet when he runs. His response was, "I think I look at my feet. Sometimes I catch myself looking around but I think for the most part I look at my feet."

He said this and to him it didn't mean anything (He probably thought that was a dumb question to ask in the first place). But to me, he was spot on.

For the most part, we look at our feet. We feel the need to watch our feet take the next step. Sometimes, we catch ourselves remembering the greater story and we enjoy it for maybe a minute. Then, we go back to looking at our feet.

Y'all. Look up. Enjoy the leaves, the fall colors, the goodness of our great God.

Dear Me...

Dear attention seeking, overly obnoxious, teenage me,

(^that's me in the back, doing the typical peace sign face with my lovely braces. That is the best picture I could find of me back in the day)

I am writing you as a 20 year old, junior in college. I know it has only been a few years since I have been where you are, but there are still some valuable things that I would like to tell you.

Your life is not in "shambles" (as my lovely roommate Emily would say) just because you moved to TN. I know you don't like the color orange, you hate the University of Tennessee, you refuse to say "Go Vols" and you are determined to get out of this state as fast as possible, but all of that will change. MAJORLY. So just go ahead and embrace the fact that you moved to TN. Don't be bitter. Don't get mad at God like you will. It's not worth it and it actually hurts you in the long run. Here's a preview of your life to come...you end up liking orange, A LOT. (These guys end up being some of your closest friends too, but you can find out more about them in a few years.)

E N J O Y where you are. Stop wishing time away. In 8th grade, you will make a comment to Mom and say, "I wish I could just skip high school and go straight to college." Don't say it. Don't even think it. Once you finally reach high school, it will fly by. You will be a nervous freshman, and then you will blink and you will be walking, with confidence, across the stage receiving your diploma. So in every circumstance, every struggle, every heartache, every joyful moment, every laugh, enjoy it, please. You will never get those moments back.

You are not the center of the world, as you currently think you are. You don't matter and I wish you could understand this. Right now, you are surrounded by people that don't know Jesus. They don't know what love looks like. AND YOU COULD SHOW IT TO THEM! You could tell them! But you come up with every excuse not to. You are only thinking about yourself. And I am a little mad at you for that reason. It is so easy to ask someone to church or tell them about Jesus or encourage them, but you choose to be afraid of ruining your reputation. You don't do anything about it! Hey Rach, STOP talking, and START walking. Do something. Stop just being a "good girl" and start changing your school.

Lastly, cheer your little heart out. You love to cheer. You work really hard at it and your dream is to cheer in college. Pursue that dream. It may or may not happen, I won't spoil that for you, but give it 100%. And again, enjoy every second of it because one day you will miss it so much that your heart hurts. So run that extra mile even when you want to throw up, stick EVERY landing, and don't be afraid to try something new.

Also, when your hair is really long and it is getting hard to handle, don't cut it.

Start building a friendship with your brother, he needs you and you need him. 

Stop worrying about boys! None of the ones that you like right now are going to be your future spouse (that I know of anyway) so stop. You have plenty of time before you should even be thinking about marriage. 

Stop gossipping. Learn to love. 

Let Jesus fill you up. I know you say that He is on your throne, but He isn't, you are. Don't let the things of this world become idols, it will take a lot of brokenness and hurt to fix that. 

Be thankful. 

Learn grace. 

Run with endurance. 

With much love, 

Grace loving, Jesus seeking, slightly still obnoxious, 20 year old me. 

Joy Filled Faces

Kamp life is hard. It is so frustrating to have middle schoolers asking you 5 million question in a span of 2 minutes. You never get a good night's sleep. Not sweating is not a possibility. You never really feel clean. The drinking water takes a little while to get used to...it has a distinct lake taste. I am constantly on my feet. I have to be happy and excited all the time even when I don't feel like it. There is a ton of tedious paperwork. Waking up in the morning is difficult. You have to constantly be thinking of ways to pour into your girls and teach them more about Jesus. Sometimes, I just want to hear my family's voices...just for a minute. I want to hug my best friends. I want to sit and watch a movie. It is a hard job.

But there is so much joy, that these difficulties don't seem like difficulties at all.  

Everyone is there for the same reason...to glorify our great God. Each camper wants to learn more about Christ and grow in their relationship with him. And each counselor wants to help campers achieve that. 

A few days ago, we had Man Day/Girl Day. Basically this is when girls get to act like girls all day long by painting each other's nails, having a cake decorating contest and doing what we do best...talking. Men do manly things...not sure on specifics since I am obviously not a man, but I have heard they break things, make fires, yell scream, etc. Girl Day is Disney Princess themed...THE BEST. It was by far my favorite day at camp. Dinner that night was a "Dinner Theater." The leadership team dressed up as Disney Princesses and put on a show. Cinderella was trying to find her prince and they incorporated as many Disney movies as possible into this skit. As I was watching the theater, Jasmine was dancing with Aladin and their faces were lit up. I then looked around and every girl's face in the dining hall was filled with a huge smile. It almost brought me to tears. There is so much joy in this place, the joy of the Lord, and it was incredible to see. 

The next day, my co-counselor and I took our cabin to the slip-n-slide as a surprise. As each girl flew down the slide, their faces were filled with such happiness. "That was SO FUN!" "I LOVE kamp!" Different statements were made from each girl. That is exactly what camp is about. Joy. Having such joy in the Lord and resting His presence. 

Yes, kamp is hard. But it is so rewarding that you tend to forget about everything you deal with on a daily basis. I have heard so many time from kampers, "I am so tired, I don't know how counselors do it." The joy of the Lord. That's how I do it. That is what I rely on. The joy of the Lord is my strength. We can't do it. We can do nothing apart from God. But because of His grace and love, we are all able to wake up in the morning and pour into these middle schoolers and teach them to be more like Jesus. 

Thank you Lord for giving me enough grace for each day to be able to wake up and appreciate a smile on a girl's face after going down the slip-n-slide, or singing High School Musical songs as loudly as possible with joy radiating from every person surrounding me. Thank you for loving me enough to send me to Kanakuk Kamps and experience Your goodness. 

Always Learning!

Well I made it! I got home yesterday from 2 weeks of staff training at Kanakuk Kamps! It was crazy, scary, exciting, lonely, encouraging, exhausting, and so much more. Here are a few things that I learned over the past 2 weeks:

1.  I am shy and I am ok with that. I am not the type of person to run up to a group of 8 people and immediately begin talking and feel comfortable chatting with them. Not me at ALL. I would rather quietly stand in the background and talk to one person. There were some girls at camp that came in not knowing anyone, just like me, but within the first 24 hours, they had 10 "close" friends because of their outgoing personality. My friendships from camp didn't become "close" until the last 3-4 days, which is totally fine. God made me to be shy when I am in unfamiliar situations. I accepted that this week.

2. Because of my introverted personality, I LOVE having time by myself. I never really realized this about myself until this week. We were so busy all the time, going from one thing to the next, never stopping. If we did have a break, it was usually for less than 10 minutes. After a week of so, we began having bigger breaks. During those breaks, everyone would be doing something...playing soccer, basketball, some kind of sport, laying out at the pool with friends, going on walks with people, or just doing something with someone. Me? All I wanted to do was be by myself. Not doing anything really, just laying on my bed, reading, listening to music, just something where I was by myself. It was delightful.

3. God is faithful. I have been constantly reminded of this throughout the entire semester but a lot these past 2 weeks. One year ago at this time, I was looking on the Kanakuk website and I thought to myself, "I would LOVE to work there, that would be so cool..." and look where I am. Thinking back on the interview process, the phone call telling me that I got the job, figuring out packing details, praying consistently about this crazy journey and finally getting on a plane to Missouri, IT IS CRAZY. He is so faithful. And I am so thankful.

4. I would much rather have some kind of chocolate instead of something fruity or sweet or sour. Just give me a peppermint patty, please.

5. I really appreciate a good glass of water since all we had at Kamp was lake water....gross.

6. I am so thankful for the people that God has placed in my life. Mom, Dad, Jake, all of my great friends from Knoxville, Clarksville, Ohio. Not being able to communicate with them reminded me how much they really mean to me, and how much I care about them.

With all of that being said, I can not wait to get back to Kamp in July. I can't wait to meet my kampers. (we spell everything with a K at Kanakuk) I can't wait to get to know them, share the Gospel with them, laugh with them, make s'mores with them, pray with them, teach them how to cheer, canoe, kayak, craft, blob, or any other fun thing we do at camp, and let them teach me as well. I am so excited. Thank you for your prayers throughout this crazy adventure that I have been on the past 2 weeks.

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

How many times have you heard that phrase in your life? If you are like me, then way too many.

My best friend Emily, is living in Knoxville this summer. That seems like a small step, but she is getting out of her comfortable, Morristown, summer life. She has always spent summer in Morristown and now she is living and working in Knoxville. ALL summer. She is getting out of her comfort zone.

My roommate and other best friend, Katie (I talked about her 2ish posts ago) is leaving for Texas in 2 days. She is working at Carolina Creek Christian Camp ALL SUMMER. She is getting out of her comfort zone. She has worked a camp before, but she has never been away from Paris, Tennessee that long, with very little communication. She is getting out of her comfort zone.

Sarah Spiceland, my best friend of 4 years is leaving in 3 days and also going to Texas. She is working at Pine Cove Christian Camp for 6 weeks. She does not know a single person and she has never worked a camp and, like Katie, she also has very little communication. She is getting out of her comfort zone.

Emily, my roommate and great friend, is heading to Sweden RIGHT THIS SECOND.  Sweden. Are you kidding me?! She is going to tell people about Jesus while being in such a foreign country. She knows a few people, but she is not close to a lot of them. She is getting out of her comfort zone.

There are so many people that I could name that are getting out their comfort zone this summer. Even if it is the smallest change, it is still hard and scary.

In 5 days, I am packing my bags and flying to Missouri where I don't know a single person. I will be working at Kanakuk Kamps for 6 weeks. When I applied for this job and interviewed and got the call that I was in!...I was SO EXCITED. I was ready to leave. I wanted to ditch school and fly to Missouri and just wait for 2 months until camp started. That's how excited I was.

And then about 2 days ago, reality set in.

I am getting out of my comfort zone. It's so easy to be excited for other people getting out of their comfort zone, but when it comes to me getting out of mine, I don't like to think about it. I forget all the advice I give to people, all the verses that I have stored up in my head and I freak out. Why? Because I am an Apelt. We like to freak out.

I have no idea what I am doing. Flying to Missouri? I am 20 years old, in my mind, I am not old enough to get on a plane by myself. I am also not old enough to 'counsel' 12-16 year olds at camp. I still feel like a 12-16 year old myself. It is only by the grace of God that I will be able to do any of this in 5 days.

I know that I am going to learn so much. And be challenged, and be forced to get out of my comfort zone A LOT. Instead of being scared and freaking out, I am going to embrace that scary place outside of my comfort zone. I realize that I will grow more because I am getting out of my comfort zone. And I will be praying for my best friends as they get out of their comfort zone this summer.

So even if you have heard this 2 times, or 500 times, get out of your comfort zone. You won't regret it.

Jesus!

I am not made for this world. This is not my home.

For some reason, today is the day...an ordinary day...that I understand this.

After a long day of studying for exams, hearing of loss, saying goodbye to friends, being surrounded by conflict, heartache, hardship and struggle, I get it. I am not home, I am just passing through.

One of my favorite songs this year was "Where I Belong" by Building 429 (go listen to it NOW if you don't know it). The best line. in my opinion, says "Take this world, and give me Jesus." That is exactly how I felt tonight.

Saying goodbye is never fun, even if you know you are going to see that person in 2 days. It is hard! It feels like your friendship is going to be over, all of these doubts and lies come into you mind and it just hurts. It's one of the worst pains. Gosh. It hurts. Most of the time it hurts because of all the good times you had. You recall all the memories and that makes saying goodbye even harder...you never want to forget those memories. That's how it is for me at least. So after saying goodbye today along with being surrounded by so much hurt and hardship, all I wanted was Jesus. To rest in Jesus. To be still in His presence. To be quiet. To thank Him for being un-changing in this ever-changing world. All I wanted was Jesus.

And that is when it hit me, like a ton of bricks. This place is not my home.

My home is in the arms of my savior Jesus Christ. 

Procrastination and Katie Reimold

I should be writing a paper or studying like every other student but I am just not really focused right now. I watched an episode of Friends earlier....bad idea. I totally lost motivation. So during this time of re-focusing and procrastination, I started thinking about my roommate, and then I decided to blog about her, in a totally non-creepy way.

This is her...she just ran a FULL MARATHON 2 days ago. She is my hero.

On my way back to Knoxville yesterday, I started thinking about her and how cool she is and how blessed I am and really wanted to hang out with her. (She tends to get stressed about school and ditches me for studying! :)) We decided to just hang out at our apartment and chat, catch up on each other lives. Then we planned a shopping day for today...random errands. When I was driving around with her this morning, listening to Gungor's Beautiful Things, I was so thankful!! 

2 years ago, at this SAME TIME, I was freaking out about college. I was about to graduate and getting more and more anxious about leaving for a new city. At that time, I didn't have a roommate. I didn't even have a plan for finding a roommate. 

Over the summer, I messaged some girls on Facebook about possibly rooming together, trying to find someone with similar passions and interests. And then on one ordinary day, a friend of a friend told me about Katie. Katie was also going to UT and didn't have a roommate and was looking for one. "You guys would get along great!"is what she told me. So I found her on Facebook, stalked her (I had to make sure she wasn't crazy) and started messaging her and then we decided to live together! We met in person for the first time at the Target in Clarksville, where we color coordinated everything for our dorm room...we were THOSE girls. 

Anyways. We have lived together for almost 2 years now, and we are planning on being life-long roommates! Even when we get married, we have talked about living next door to one another. HAH! I even gave her the nickname "Ramrod" which is what she is known for now....she used to hate it, but I'm pretty sure she wants to tell her professors to call her that now because she is so in love with it. 

I am so thankful for her and her encouragement. God was so faithful throughout that entire process and I could not have asked for a better roommate. Yes, we get frustrated with one another every once in a while, but what friendship doesn't have struggles?! She keeps me going, pushes me to be better. Thank you, Katie, for being there for me, showing me the greatness of hammockin', teaching me patience, convincing me to run a half marathon, and pushing me in this crazy life. I pray that we will continue running the race of life together for many years to come. 

P.S. I think this picture describes our friendship perfectly...I'm weird, and I bring out the weirdness in Katie, Ramrod, Rams, Runner-girl, "List-lover"