Thankful

In about 2 weeks, this season will begin to close. I will be walking across the University of Tennessee graduation stage, grabbing my diploma and then I will prance into TJ's truck and we will head to Mississppi...home...where we will be for the rest of December and most of January until we head back to Knoxville to get hitched. So in 2 weeks, this long-distance crap is over. As I am sitting in Panera, I can very clearly remember back to that fateful day in April when TJ and I went to Panera for lunch. We sat down and discussed our plans....

1. He was going to interview with a baptist church in Mississippi.
2. I was going to find out if I could graduate in December.
3. We were going to call our parents and tell them that we were going to get married in December.
4. We were going to communicate with the pastors in Mississippi to try to get a weekend where we could come visit.

And so began the journey. Now here we are. December. And the Lord has been faithful. I am graduating. TJ and I are getting married in 2 months. And we have the honor to serve in Brookhaven, MS.

It has been miserably incredible. Beautifully awful. Simply complicated. Excitingly scary.

I am almost done. During this process, there were times where I didn't think I would make it.
I couldn't do long distance.
I couldn't take the pressure of finishing school.
I was lonely.
I felt lost.
I was terrified.
I didn't feel good enough.
I wanted to run.
I felt purposeless.
I cried more often than any person ever should.
I was angry.
I caused so many arguments with my future groom.
I let my past define my future.
I made excuses.

I made myself god.

I didn't think I could do it.

And yet here I sit, almost done.

Looking back I can see vaguely see how some of these crazy thoughts will make a better Rachel Earl. How I was being sanctified when I thought God had forgotten about me.

I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.
I can't do it, but He can.
I am not good enough, but He is.
God is always with me.
It's ok to be scared, as long as fear does not cripple me.
TJ will not always make me happy, and that's ok.
Silence is good.
(I am still not good at showing grace)
I think that the world revolved around me. Newsflash Rach...

Jesus. Forgive me for doubting you. Forgive me for living all these months not trusting you and living for myself everyday. I have missed out on opportunities because I have been so focused on me. God, I am sorry. I need your forgiveness please. I am dirt and do not deserve anything that you give me. I don't deserve to be married to TJ. I don't deserve to have a house. I don't deserve to get to move to Mississippi and serve in that incredible church. I don't deserve the friends that I have, here and there, and the love that they show me. I don't deserve for you to die on a cross for me to save me, Father. But thank you. Thank you for your grace and for giving me these things that I do not deserve. I pray that I would do everything for your glory because you deserve it. You deserve all of me, not just part of me. You are so worthy and great and mighty and I am thankful. Help me to look past myself. To get rid of me Lord and look to you. God be the Lord of my life. I love you Father. Forgive me for falling short. Thank you for your constant love. Thank you that you never change. Thank you for being faithful when I am not.

The Roarin' Twenties

3 years ago, during our freshman year, fresh out of high school, my best friend Emily McLain and I sat in her dorm room fantasizing about the rest of our college years, and especially our TWENTIES!! I mean, who wouldn't want to be in those great early twenties? Those are the years you dream about! The ones where all the fun happens! Those are supposed to be the 'best years of your life'!!!  Right?! 

18 and ready to conquer the world!

Well here we are! Both young twenty-one year olds (and still best friends, thank goodness)...we made it to the great years and we are slowly beginning to realize that they are not so great. Now, don't get me wrong, there have been great, great things that have happened in our twenties, (including TJ my fiancé Earl) but I think we had this idea that life was going to be easy, with no more worries or struggles once we made it to our twenties, or our later college years. By that point, you can relax..you have it all figured out...it's all downhill from there...yeah?
Well newsflash to us, life will always be hard.
And we will probably never know what we are doing.

Freshman year, we thought that we would have it all figured out by now. We would know how to how to navigate through tough friendships, how to embrace whatever is handed to us, how to give really great advice all the time, how to lead and love well. We thought we would have all the answers to everyone's questions, we would be joyful in every circumstance, good or bad, we would always forgive easily. We would know how to do all of these things perfectly, with so much grace and somehow it would all happen instantly. Senior year, we would just wake up and have all of these things down to a science!!

Well, Rachel and Emily, and every twenty something year old, here is what we didn't realize, or didn't want to accept...

life is all about the process... 

...we just get to enjoy the ride. We will never know what we are doing, but praise Jesus that He does! I am entering in to a completely new season of wife, pastor's wife, teacher, and Mississippi resident. I am so extremely excited but I have also worried myself to the point of tears, wondering if I am enough? How can I make all these changes and start all of these foreign roles as a twenty-one year old? I don't know what I am doing, I still feel like a goofball that loves to watch Disney movies, dance and color. Thankfully, I don't have to 'know what to do.' What does that even mean?

I know that Jesus loves me and I know how to be Rachel and that my friends, is enough.

Our entire life, we get to be apart of this beautiful process of becoming more like Jesus. It does not happen over night. Learning how to become a good wife, doctor, teacher, speech pathologist (in Emily's case), mom, Sunday school teacher, or _______ does not happen over night. We get to learn these things in this incredible process.

So for all you Emilys and Rachels out there, your twenties probably won't be easy. Navigating through this life thing is weird, especially at this time in life. I totally know that there is a lot of pressure, there are hard decisions, there are sad goodbyes and happy hellos. There is this odd transition between being a girl and becoming a woman.

But there is good news! You don't have to figure it out. Simply love God and He will show you what to do and how to do it well. I promise that He will teach you, and I also promise that it will not happen over night. So accept the process and more importantly, enjoy the process, even if it's hard. Just be you.

And to Emily McLain, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it, we are not the same girls that we were freshman year. I have loved watching you grow over these years and I love watching you become such a strong follower of Jesus...what a blessing and encouragement you are to me. I am excited for the years to come, to look back on these difficult twenties and thank God for the process.

Oh. But we are still goofy...I hope that never changes.

(This is Hannah pictured with us, she is also a twenty-one year old that really doesn't get this whole 'life' thing yet...she is just loving Jesus along with us knowing that He will figure it out) 

The Beautiful In-Between

In-between stages are a guarantee in this life. 

Middle school.

The summer after you graduate high school, before you go to college. 

The few months after you decide to move but before you actually do. 

Engagement.

Senior year of college, when you have to decide what is next. 

Pregnancy. 

As a matter of fact, our entire life is an in-between stage. As Christians, we know we are not made for this world and we have an incredible desire to be home with Jesus. 

The end result of in-between stages is great but getting there can be challenging, exhausting and annoying. You're stuck. You have a great desire to be in the next stage and experience all that it has to offer, good and bad. But you're not there yet. You are in-between. What do you do? 

Abide. 

Remain. Dwell. Stay. 

Abide in Jesus. Remain in his love, John 15:9. 

"But I'm scared because..." Abide.

"But I don't know what that looks like..." Abide.

"But I just want to be there..." Abide.

"But what if..." Abide.

"But I can do it myself..." No, abide.

"But...!" Daughter, abide in my love. Remain in me. 

We want to figure things out on our own. We want to have a plan. We want to know exactly what to do and when to do it. So our minds run wild and we try to do it all ourselves. (At least I do). "I can figure this out, I'll bring peace to myself because God, thanks, but no thanks." No one ever admits that this happens, myself included. But deep down in my core, that is what my heart is screaming. "Lord I trust you, but in this in-between stage, I just want to figure it out by my big, bad self because it doesn't feel like you are really helping me at all." 

Abiding in Jesus takes faith and trust....which is my greatest issue in life, just ask any of my closest friends. 

But Jesus wants us to remain in him. He figures things out. He has a plan. He knows exactly what to do and when to do it. Our job is simply to abide in his unfailing love. Rest in his presence. Pursue Him instead of the things of this world. 

Yes, in-between stages are annoying, and difficult. They pull you in a million different directions. 

Abide, dwell, stay in Jesus. 

John 15:9-11

I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 

Matthew 22:37-38

Jesus replied,"You must love The Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." 

The 2nd Greatest Love Story

Boy meets girl and he does not acknowledge her.

"I just wanted to introduce myself. I know you are the new intern so we will probably be around each other a lot this year. It's nice to meet you"
He hears her say that but barely acknowledges. He just continues to do his laundry without paying much attention to her.

As the semester starts, and after their somewhat rocky introduction, they become friends, good friends. They hang out all the time and continue to grow closer and closer. Boy beings to fall for the girl...pretty early on in their friendship. However, girl is just interested in a friendship for the majority of the semester. Eventually, after a lot of hanging out and getting to know each other, girl starts to develop feelings. Boy and Girl spontaneously plan a trip to New York with 3 other friends, and that is where the story really begins.

New York was a great trip for this boy and girl. They learned how to travel with each other, handle each other in stressful situations, have fun with each other and they also had a chance to simply learn more about each other's likes and dislikes. This trip caused Boy to fall more in love with Girl. It also confirmed Girl's feelings for Boy.

After New York, this couple of friends had a DTR (Determine the relationship), where he finally confessed his feelings for her. She had a lot to work through. She was scared of a relationship, she didn't know what that really looked like, she was concerned with making the 'right choice,' whatever that meant. He was patient. He was confident that they were going to be ok...she was going to be his. This confidence helped him when Girl was confused or doubtful.

Finally, she admitted her feelings. She was ready to take the risk of a relationship. And they went on their first date. Dinner, ice-skating, overlooking Knoxville and a movie. When they kissed later that night, Girl thought to herself, "I am never going to have another first kiss again."

From that night on, TJ and Rachel knew they were going to be together. There is no one in this world that is better for me than TJ. He is my best friend. I look forward to seeing him and spending time with him. He makes me laugh. He loves the Lord with his entire being. No one has cared for me like he has. He has a heart of gold and a heart for people. He is selfless, caring, patient when I am not. He knows what to say when I need to hear it. He likes to have fun. He is not afraid to be himself. He is who he is and he likes it that way. My heart melts thinking about spending the rest of my life with him. He is the love of my life. Forever and ever.

...aaaannnnd it all started in a laundry room, where he did not acknowledge her.

Psalm 100

I'm watching the NCAA tournament, specifically the Ohio State game. Ohio State is up 43-33, if you are wondering. My mind and my heart is kinda half watching the game because my better half is in New York on a mission trip. At halftime, before ESPN cut to commercial, they showed the OSU cheerleaders, which is normal...ESPN always likes to show the cheerleaders. Well this one simple shot/moment on television made my brain start turning. 

That could have been me! 3 years ago I was thinking about going to Ohio State. Cheering at Ohio State. Or maybe going to Louisville and cheering there. Western Kentucky was even an option. Tennessee? Never. I never wanted to be there, at that awful school, with the terrible colors and their stupid fight song. Dad, being dad, thought it would be a good idea to apply for an in-state school...just in case...even though I was determined that I was NOT going to Tennessee.

But God had different plans. On a tour of The University of Tennessee, that I forcefully went on, I suddenly knew that I was going to be in Knoxville at least for the next 4 years. My dream was always to cheer in college, but after realizing that I was going to UT, I knew that it wouldn't matter if I cheered or not. If I made the Tennessee team, great. If not, (which is clearly what happened) then I knew God had other plans for me specifically at UT. I gave up my dream to cheer in college because I knew that Tennessee was where I was supposed to be, regardless of cheerleading. 

With all of that being said, I can not believe where I am after just 3 short years. God has been so faithful and I am so amazed. I have gained the greatest friends I could have ever imagined. They know my heart, my struggles, my dreams and they love my unconditionally. I have gotten the opportunity to work with the coolest high school girls around. They have taught me more than they will ever know. I met the love of my life. I have been praying for him and hoping to meet him for years, and I finally did! He brings so much joy to my life. He is my best friend and my partner in everything. 

I am so thankful for all the blessings that surround me everyday. I can't believe that it has been 3 years since I made the decision to come to UT. God is so faithful and his love endures forever. Be thankful for what you have and who you have today. Remember your blessings and don't let them be overshadowed by hurt or the past or circumstances. 

"Wherever you are, be all there..." 

Shout to the Lord, all the earth! 

Worship the Lord with gladness. 

Come before him, singing with joy

Acknowledge that the Lord is God! 

He made us, and we are his. 

We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. 

Enter his gates with thanksgiving;

go into his courts with praise. 

Give thanks to him and praise his name. 

For the Lord is good. 

His unfailing love continues forever

and his faithfulness continues to each generation. 

Psalm 100

2012, you've been good to me

Since this year is almost over, it would probably be fitting to write a "Best Memories from 2012," "Regrets from 2012," or "Goals for 2013" list, right? I have always liked to be different and I try to stay away from cliches so instead of doing one of those lists, I chose something different. As I was making the long 8 hour drive back to TN, I looked back on what made my year so great and I realized it was the unexpected moments, relationships, friendships, and dreams that made 2012 such a fantastic year. Drumroll please......

The Top 5 Most Unexpected Things 

Sounds simple and slightly dumb, but here we go...

1. Katie Wood.  

Last January, I went to the Passion conference with Northstar Church and it was a definitely a defining moment for 2012. On the bus ride to Atlanta, I happened to sit behind the one and only, Katie Wood. My first impression was that she asked a lot of questions and had lived in a million different places.  We became fast friends and later that semester, she ended up leading a group of freshman girls with me. She encouraged me, taught me how to love well and while I worked at camp (more of that later) she poured into me more than anyone else. She has been such a blessing to me and even though we don't see each other or talk as much, when we do, I am always thankful for that bus ride to Passion. 

2. The Circle of Caleb 

It sounds weird and it probably is. Caleb Thurman was a unexpected blessing this year. We went from being great friends to dating and finally back to great friends. Yeah, it's weird. It doesn't happen, ever, but we somehow made it work. I never would have thought that I would have dated someone for months, only for it to end with us being even closer as friends. However, I am extremely thankful for it. Thank you Caleb for adding to my unexpected adventures this year...here's to many more in our friendship. 

3. Krazy, Kanakuk Kamp

I wanted to work there so badly. Then, one day I got the phone call: We would like to offer you the job. The adventure began. 6 weeks in Lampe, MO, where I knew a total of ZERO people. Kanakuk Kamps...a place filled with joy and Jesus, laughter and love. I have never grown so much in my faith, or as a person. I also gained a close friend in my co-counselor, Diana Barns. I have never trusted anyone as fast as I trusted her. I miss her. I miss singing with her while our girls were getting ready, and causing everyone in our cabin to think we were crazy. Even though we don't see each other or talk everyday like we did this summer, the time I do get to talk to her is such a blessing. I never thought that in the small town of Lampe, MO, so many memories would be made, so much joy would be found and such great friendships would be built. 

4. Unique, New York 

Rach: "Someday, I really want to go to New York during Christmas time"

TJ: "Why don't we?"

And that began the adventure of Christmas break 2012. A trip to New York. I never in a million, billion, trillion years would have believed you if you told me that this was going to happen, especially with the people I went with. I met TJ Earl for the first time in August, and apparently, according to him, I did not make a very memorable first impression. I also first met Lizzy in August. Alex and Kristi also joined this adventure. These 4 folks and I drove to New York and spent 2 days taking in the sights. I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. Our friendships grew tremendously. We laughed until we cried (literally...Lizzy). There was not a single argument. We built a stronger trust with each other. I didn't expect such a spontaneous trip to make such an impact on me, but I am thankful it did. 

Last, but most definitely not least...

5. Grace

Rach: "Spice, I really want to learn about grace this year."

Sarah: "Me too! Let's do it"

We had this conversation a year ago almost exactly. Last year at Passion, on the first night in Atlanta, outside our hotel room, this is what we talked about. Grace. My life has never been the same. Sarah and I went though so much last spring, (and this summer, and this fall, and probably still now) struggling through our mess, climbing out of pits, accepting grace, realizing the depth of grace, learning to show grace to other, as well as to ourselves. I didn't think that the one comment I made to Sarah could literally change the course of my life. I started off this year simply wanting to learn about grace, and I am ending it by trying to live in it.

December 2011, I remember sitting with Sarah, discussing our goals or dreams for 2012. I could probably find that list if I really wanted to. I know that nothing on that list was on this 'unexpected' list. This list of unexpected things far exceeds anything I could have imagined. I am apart of such a great story, written by the most beautiful storyteller, and I want nothing more than to rest in His presence and enjoy where I am, knowing that whatever is happening, expected or unexpected, is just another chapter, another page, of the great story. 

Most of the time, our greatest joy comes from the unexpected.

Wherever you are, be all there. 

Jesus, I can't wait to see what 2013 has is store.

Christmas from the Apelts

This Christmas, I had the privilege of writing the Apelt family Christmas letter. I thought I would share.


Go Army, beat Navy, Bow-wow Bulldogs, Go Vols, O-H-I-O, and Merry Christmas.

We rang in 2012 the right way by surrounding ourselves with friends and family, laughter and good food and from there, 2012 only got better.

One of the first major events of the year was Jacob Benjamin Apelt's high school graduation. My little brother is growing up. He now attends Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama where he pretty much runs the school. He is a part of the freshman forum (a student government association for freshman), the freshman representative council, multiple intramural teams and he helped re-start the "Red Sea," which is the rowdy section during football games. One of his biggest dreams is to become Moses, the 'head rowdy' who happens to be in charge of parting the rowdy section..."The Red Sea." He is a Business Management major currently still indecisive on what exactly he wants to do.

Dad (Doug) normally is a man of routine, but that definitely was not the case this year. He has started a new job and the Apelts will be moving in the next month or so to Memphis! (The Apelts moving...big surprise, I know.) He went from making people hot and cold working at Trane to taking people up and down, making elevators at ThyssenKrupp, in Memphis, running operations for the United States. He has been there only a few weeks, but he thoroughly enjoys it and excited about the upcoming move. And as always, Dad loves the months of August through December, cheering on his favorite football teams or really anyone that plays Michigan.

Mom (Lisa) is highly anticipating the move as well but in the meantime, she continues to do a excellent job at caring for all of us, making sure that we are happy and healthy. She did not return to teaching preschool since she was unsure when we would be officially moving. She has made a graceful transition from bustling household to empty nester with Dad. They are adjusting and making many trips to Birmingham and Knoxville to visit Jake and I.

As for myself, I am now a junior at the University of Tennessee. (Where did the time go?)  I am an English major, minoring in Secondary Education. My dream: to be a Freshman English teacher. I have been traveling a lot this semester going to football games or just for fun; Atlanta, Athens, GA, Nashville, Paris, TN and the most recent, New York City for a Christmas weekend away with friends. I am still leading a group of sophomore girls at my church in Knoxville and they bring so much joy to my life. Overall, I am still enjoying the college life.

As I am writing this letter, an impromptu trip to visit Mickey Mouse in Disney is being planned.  We are leaving on December 21 and will be returning on Christmas Eve. It will definitely end up being a highlight of this year.

We want to wish you all a very merry Christmas, reminding you to remember the gift of love that God sent down in His son Jesus on Christmas Day. Keep Him in your hearts during this season and everyday this year.

With grace and love,

Rachel