In about 2 weeks, this season will begin to close. I will be walking across the University of Tennessee graduation stage, grabbing my diploma and then I will prance into TJ's truck and we will head to Mississppi...home...where we will be for the rest of December and most of January until we head back to Knoxville to get hitched. So in 2 weeks, this long-distance crap is over. As I am sitting in Panera, I can very clearly remember back to that fateful day in April when TJ and I went to Panera for lunch. We sat down and discussed our plans....
1. He was going to interview with a baptist church in Mississippi.
2. I was going to find out if I could graduate in December.
3. We were going to call our parents and tell them that we were going to get married in December.
4. We were going to communicate with the pastors in Mississippi to try to get a weekend where we could come visit.
And so began the journey. Now here we are. December. And the Lord has been faithful. I am graduating. TJ and I are getting married in 2 months. And we have the honor to serve in Brookhaven, MS.
It has been miserably incredible. Beautifully awful. Simply complicated. Excitingly scary.
I am almost done. During this process, there were times where I didn't think I would make it.
I couldn't do long distance.
I couldn't take the pressure of finishing school.
I was lonely.
I felt lost.
I was terrified.
I didn't feel good enough.
I wanted to run.
I felt purposeless.
I cried more often than any person ever should.
I was angry.
I caused so many arguments with my future groom.
I let my past define my future.
I made excuses.
I made myself god.
I didn't think I could do it.
And yet here I sit, almost done.
Looking back I can see vaguely see how some of these crazy thoughts will make a better Rachel Earl. How I was being sanctified when I thought God had forgotten about me.
I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.
I can't do it, but He can.
I am not good enough, but He is.
God is always with me.
It's ok to be scared, as long as fear does not cripple me.
TJ will not always make me happy, and that's ok.
Silence is good.
(I am still not good at showing grace)
I think that the world revolved around me. Newsflash Rach...
Jesus. Forgive me for doubting you. Forgive me for living all these months not trusting you and living for myself everyday. I have missed out on opportunities because I have been so focused on me. God, I am sorry. I need your forgiveness please. I am dirt and do not deserve anything that you give me. I don't deserve to be married to TJ. I don't deserve to have a house. I don't deserve to get to move to Mississippi and serve in that incredible church. I don't deserve the friends that I have, here and there, and the love that they show me. I don't deserve for you to die on a cross for me to save me, Father. But thank you. Thank you for your grace and for giving me these things that I do not deserve. I pray that I would do everything for your glory because you deserve it. You deserve all of me, not just part of me. You are so worthy and great and mighty and I am thankful. Help me to look past myself. To get rid of me Lord and look to you. God be the Lord of my life. I love you Father. Forgive me for falling short. Thank you for your constant love. Thank you that you never change. Thank you for being faithful when I am not.
